I don't know, but I think that this is how it is supposed to work

I do not enjoy getting labs done before visits to the doctor or visiting with my doctor at Salem Health. The guy who does my medications management and the women who work in that office are great, but I find dealing with even the most competent and friendly people at Salem Health stressful. Part of the problem for me is that Salem Health has either contracted with a security company or has directly hired security staff who I think take matters just a bit too far sometimes. Their jobs seem necessary these days, but their presence and how they handle incoming patients gives Salem Health the feeling of being more of a correctional facility and less of a healthcare facility. And as I consider the situation, it occurs to me that patients and staff are being set up by the system to be in opposition to one another. It's no wonder that my blood pressue is extremely high after I go through security, and no matter what blood pressure meds the doctor prescribes my numbers are going to be high so long as I feel as if I'm visiting a jail.

But today I over-reacted when the young Latine guy at the door did what he gets paid to do and gave the woman in front of me and me a hard time. I was just out of line in response to that. And it's the beginning of Lent. And I ask God every day in my prayers for repentence, reconciliation and the joys of God's salvation and to see Christ in others and to serve others and serve Christ. I wasn't just out of line when I went in, but when I left as well and had to get the Leatherman tool that I carry to be helpful to others back from the guard. What kind of hypocrite and sinner am I?

He's a young Latine guy trying to make a living and I'm a white retiree who looks and sounds like I'm part of the Trump demographic. We're in a tight hallway, there are other people in line, no one looks happy, and I just want to get in and get the lab work done and get out of there. I have plans to stop at a nearby greasy spoon and eat some down-home-bad-for-you food after all of this is done with. He is probably counting the minutes 'til quitting time. That wand that he's waving and the rent-a-cop vibe does nothing for me. My red neck and my attitude don't do anything for him. All of this is getting paid for by Salem Health, alleged to be a non-profit, taking my Medicare and insurance money, and probably bribes from Big Pharma as well, and then paying him less than a living wage and trying to convince me to take more meds than I need. We pay for insurance, not healthcare. He pays them with his uncompensated labor. 

Under better circumstances, then, that security guard and I would understand that we're both working-class people trying to get through our days and that both our lives would be so much better if we recognized that and acted in solidarity and love in encountering one another. But this was not a moment for that.

As I said, I went out of line with the guy with my attitude and with what I said and with my body language. 

I got through with the lab work, got my tool back, and headed for the car.

My soul just hurt. I don't like that hard and arrogant side of me. A few years back a friend called me out for it and questioned where it came from. I had no good response. He died a few days later without me being able to explain myself. It's a survival mechanism, but wouldn't I rather live and help others than be hard, survival-oriented, reactive and arrogant? 

I went to the greasy spoon and paid too much for a meal that would probably have tasted much better had I not had that ache in my soul.

I headed back to Salem Health and waited 'til the folks in line got into the office and I looked the guy in the eyes and apologized. I tried to explain where I was coming from, how I probably have some PTSD around be wanded, and how the system divides people and makes us opponents. That sounded to me as if I were making excuses so I took responsibility for what I did and asked if he and I were good, I asked his name, and I asked if he needed anything. We had a short and relatively human exchange given the circumstances. We both probably came off a little harder than we had to, but he forgave me. I didn't feel better when I left, but I felt as if he and I had done some of the hard work of being human beings living in an oppressive system during Lent.

The Lord can turn around a bad day, and does that for me most days. If the Lord can turn around a bad day, the Lord will also turn around a bad season or a misdirected life. Most Christians will tell you that if you pray to God then God will step in and work miracles for you. How many of my days begin with sadness and end with joy, and isn't that a taste of heaven right here and right now! Well and good, but what too few Christians will tell you is that we either have to climb over or take a 4340 steel blacksmith hammer to those racial, age, and gender barriers that are intentionally and systyemically constructed and that surmounting those barriers is also a great miracle. Maybe I didn't make it over the wall today, but I saw the potential for a miracle. Just seeing that possibility, being reminded of it, gave me a taste of heaven. I hope that it gave him that taste as well.  

I don't know, but I think that this is how it's supposed to work for some of us.    

       

"Humble"---A new testimony song from Steve Cline

We have had the good fortune to have posted music and some quotes from Steve Cline on this blog previously. Steve is a pretty deep thinker. He lives in West Virginia and has a powerful story to tell us, and I think that we should hear what he's saying and sit with that for awhile and take what works for us with us. If you read this blog regularly you know that some of our constant themes are recovery, religion and spirituality, and the creativity and beauty that is around us and within us. We hit all of these themes in Steve's music and in much of what he has to say. Do I always agree with Steve? No. But his testimony and his music get and hold my attention, and I know that there are many people out there who will benefit greatly from hearing Steve and knowing that there is someone out there who knows their road and can put it into music and share much-needed hope.

The words are as follows:

I was raised to be a prideful sinner

always to stand up for myself

was how to be a winner

but then I found out that road is just full of glimmer

it'll take u to hell a whole lot quicker 

we all need to forgive and be humble

give the shirt off of our back and love our brother

we need to deny our flesh and stay sober

we need to walk as Jesus walked and be humble

there's a way to man that may seem right

but theres only one way that leads to life

we have to trust that Gods way is right

if we put our faith in him he will bring us through the fire

Steve says:

I'm in the process of trying to start a group meeting around McDowell county. As of right now idk of any. A friend of mine is starting one in welch in Feb. I'm trying to get one going in n the Gary area. These bigger cities have at least one everyday. with all the addiction and deaths from addiction we need a place where people who are struggling can come to talk with others who have been there and not feel ashamed. A place where no one looks down on them. I reached out to the mayor of Gary yesterday an plan on talking to a couple pastors to see if I can find a place to have these meetings. I'm trying to see how many people would be in interested in attending these meetings. The only way we will get stronger is in unity. like, comment, and share if you or someone you know would be interested.---January 27

and

there are people who think they know what recovering addicts are going through but just because you've done a couple pills or snorted a line of coke doesn't make you an addict in the same way that working at a hospital doesn't make you a Dr. no matter how much clean time we have there are days we wake up wondering if this is gonna be the day we slip. it's a constant battle of the mind especially when you have the means to do so. you may think that your actions don't have an effect on an individual and you probably don't care but they do. and I know it's another tool of the enemy to try to get me back but I'm sure that others don't know that. in the past anytime we felt anger, joy, resentment, loneliness, our escape was drugs. Now days I use the bible and prayer. but 20+ years of running to the wrong things takes time to break those cycles. I also know that there are certain people who don't want to see us succeed, but all I'm saying is just watch how you treat people,, you might be the straw that breaks the camel's back.---January 26

Those are powerful statements that come straight from the heart. I think Steve is being a realist here, and I say that with my own struggles and the struggles of many friends in mind. The January 27 statement brought a reaction from someone in McDowell County, West Virginia that I believe is entirely justified. They wrote:

I’ve said that before! Here our county was having the highest od rate in the nation at one time, and not only was there no facilities available for recovery, but there’s not even any AA type meetings! It’s proof to me how our state government thinks we don’t matter in McDowell, and why it’s SOOO very harmful for residents and former residents to think it’s ok for them to leave here and talk like we’re nothing but addicts and low life’s with no redeemable qualities.

Why do I think that this statement is totally justified? Because I believe that the person who wrote this knows from first-hand experience what they're talking about and because it is certainly true that West Virginia and most of Appalachia do not receive the levels of social services and care that are needed. Most of the region lives in a semi-colonial state, producing wealth for export and exporting workers to other states and providing large numbers of people to the military but getting almost nothing back that reaches the grassroots. Most of the politicians act as if they're serving colonial masters. I cannot think of a nicer way to say it. People who want to get sober may have to go elsewhere, as the writer says. But why can't home be part of the care and medicine we need?

Anxiety, Gratitude, and Compassion with Better Than I Deserve

I am still picking up on the Better Than I Deserve Youtube channel. I think that the guy hosting this knows what he's talking about and I think that he's orienting towards people struggling with substance abuse disorders, recovery, and the kind of stress working-class people go through every day. These are short videos with lots in them. Please join me in checking him out and learning together.

Dealing with anxiety

Gratitude

Compassion

"How do we recover? How do we cope?..."

"Anger and anguish, it is hard to cope with the emotional overload. The sense of loss, the sense of frustration. War in the distance, tragedy close to home. How do we recover? How do we cope? I have no easy answers, but I can share one invitation to all who have a spiritual heart: don’t doubt the love that may be hidden but is always present in every sorrow. Behind the tears, despite the anger, love remains. Love endures. Love for the lives lost on the battlefield, love for the innocent taken without warning. One day even all of this will be redeemed in ways we cannot imagine. But for now, trust the power of love to do what we do not seem to be able to do for ourselves: end the madness and begin the healing."

--The Rt. Rev. Steven Charleston, Native American/Indigenous Ministries of the Episcopal Church

“If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant, or weak..."

 From the Ravenous Butterflies Facebook page:

Warwick Goble

“If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant, or weak, return to yourself, to who you are, here and now and when you get there, you will discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom, even in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong.”---Masaru Emoto - Secret Life of Water, 2011.

We become God's mission---The Rev. Daniel Joslyn-Siemiatkoski on 4-25-2022 at The Seminary of the Southwest

 

Needed advice for all of us...

 

God's Love and Justice - Sharon L. Baker Putt

 

Coming to Believe in Universal Reconciliation - Enrique Ramos