I don't know, but I think that this is how it is supposed to work

I do not enjoy getting labs done before visits to the doctor or visiting with my doctor at Salem Health. The guy who does my medications management and the women who work in that office are great, but I find dealing with even the most competent and friendly people at Salem Health stressful. Part of the problem for me is that Salem Health has either contracted with a security company or has directly hired security staff who I think take matters just a bit too far sometimes. Their jobs seem necessary these days, but their presence and how they handle incoming patients gives Salem Health the feeling of being more of a correctional facility and less of a healthcare facility. And as I consider the situation, it occurs to me that patients and staff are being set up by the system to be in opposition to one another. It's no wonder that my blood pressue is extremely high after I go through security, and no matter what blood pressure meds the doctor prescribes my numbers are going to be high so long as I feel as if I'm visiting a jail.

But today I over-reacted when the young Latine guy at the door did what he gets paid to do and gave the woman in front of me and me a hard time. I was just out of line in response to that. And it's the beginning of Lent. And I ask God every day in my prayers for repentence, reconciliation and the joys of God's salvation and to see Christ in others and to serve others and serve Christ. I wasn't just out of line when I went in, but when I left as well and had to get the Leatherman tool that I carry to be helpful to others back from the guard. What kind of hypocrite and sinner am I?

He's a young Latine guy trying to make a living and I'm a white retiree who looks and sounds like I'm part of the Trump demographic. We're in a tight hallway, there are other people in line, no one looks happy, and I just want to get in and get the lab work done and get out of there. I have plans to stop at a nearby greasy spoon and eat some down-home-bad-for-you food after all of this is done with. He is probably counting the minutes 'til quitting time. That wand that he's waving and the rent-a-cop vibe does nothing for me. My red neck and my attitude don't do anything for him. All of this is getting paid for by Salem Health, alleged to be a non-profit, taking my Medicare and insurance money, and probably bribes from Big Pharma as well, and then paying him less than a living wage and trying to convince me to take more meds than I need. We pay for insurance, not healthcare. He pays them with his uncompensated labor. 

Under better circumstances, then, that security guard and I would understand that we're both working-class people trying to get through our days and that both our lives would be so much better if we recognized that and acted in solidarity and love in encountering one another. But this was not a moment for that.

As I said, I went out of line with the guy with my attitude and with what I said and with my body language. 

I got through with the lab work, got my tool back, and headed for the car.

My soul just hurt. I don't like that hard and arrogant side of me. A few years back a friend called me out for it and questioned where it came from. I had no good response. He died a few days later without me being able to explain myself. It's a survival mechanism, but wouldn't I rather live and help others than be hard, survival-oriented, reactive and arrogant? 

I went to the greasy spoon and paid too much for a meal that would probably have tasted much better had I not had that ache in my soul.

I headed back to Salem Health and waited 'til the folks in line got into the office and I looked the guy in the eyes and apologized. I tried to explain where I was coming from, how I probably have some PTSD around be wanded, and how the system divides people and makes us opponents. That sounded to me as if I were making excuses so I took responsibility for what I did and asked if he and I were good, I asked his name, and I asked if he needed anything. We had a short and relatively human exchange given the circumstances. We both probably came off a little harder than we had to, but he forgave me. I didn't feel better when I left, but I felt as if he and I had done some of the hard work of being human beings living in an oppressive system during Lent.

The Lord can turn around a bad day, and does that for me most days. If the Lord can turn around a bad day, the Lord will also turn around a bad season or a misdirected life. Most Christians will tell you that if you pray to God then God will step in and work miracles for you. How many of my days begin with sadness and end with joy, and isn't that a taste of heaven right here and right now! Well and good, but what too few Christians will tell you is that we either have to climb over or take a 4340 steel blacksmith hammer to those racial, age, and gender barriers that are intentionally and systyemically constructed and that surmounting those barriers is also a great miracle. Maybe I didn't make it over the wall today, but I saw the potential for a miracle. Just seeing that possibility, being reminded of it, gave me a taste of heaven. I hope that it gave him that taste as well.  

I don't know, but I think that this is how it's supposed to work for some of us.